Suicide Isn't Painless...Updated

I only wish I could say or do something to help ease your family's pain. My heart breaks for you and for all of those who have shared their stories of tragic losses. My deepest condolences.

I agree unfortunately that sometimes there is nothing to be done to prevent this kind of tragedy. However, supporting each other and seeking outside help as needed often helps.

Oh Laura - no words. I'm just so sorry.

laura, loss is never easy, but suicide is tragic. Normally I would wish your sister peace, but I can't even imagine how one finds peace again after finding their beloved in that manner. I'm so sorry and will pray for your sister her family and you.

@justmelaura, are you out there? Talk to us.

Prayers for you all, and deepest condolences. We're here listen, Laura.

Maybe gone to support family? Think they live elsewhere...

There are no words that can convey the abyss of pain that my sister had to go through today.
Her children knew that their father died suddenly.
They didn't know why.
When she was finally able to take them aside alone (with a wonderful, compassionate minister of their faith) she told them that their father took his life, committed suicide, hung himself...
Adrian was an extremely loving husband and father.
Unfortunately, the last night of his life with his children
He was drinking and verbally abusive.
His children feel like it is their fault.
When they heard that he committed suicide they screamed, cried
And said, "I did this to Daddy, It's my fault"

Again, fortunately a wonderful support group that was there.
But they are going to feel this for the rest of their lives.....

So sorry to hear this, Laura.

With all sympathy, I do ask if it's okay to post publicly. We are, after all, talking about children who could read this.

I'm not saying don't talk about suicide. What I'm saying is that MOL isn't private AT ALL, tho it may seem that way at times. Anyone can read this.

As a passive participant to this thread, it is painful to read about the impact of is suicide. I can not fathom how difficult it must be to be closer to this tragedy. I somehow hope that over time, his wife and children can find some peace.

My goodness, my heart breaks for them and your sister. He must have been in a very dark place.

justmelaura said:

There are no words that can convey the abyss of pain that my sister had to go through today.
Her children knew that their father died suddenly.
They didn't know why.
When she was finally able to take them aside alone (with a wonderful, compassionate minister of their faith) she told them that their father took his life, committed suicide, hung himself...
Adrian was an extremely loving husband and father.
Unfortunately, the last night of his life with his children
He was drinking and verbally abusive.
His children feel like it is their fault.
When they heard that he committed suicide they screamed, cried
And said, "I did this to Daddy, It's my fault"

Again, fortunately a wonderful support group that was there.
But they are going to feel this for the rest of their lives.....

They will be in a lot of pain and feel guilty and be angry at him, maybe for a long time. But after they sort through that, perhaps with some guidance, what they will feel for him is love and perhaps compassion.

People often focus on the last moments of a loved one's life, but those are just moments. Try to remind your nieces and nephews of the joy they brought him ( which they probably wont understand until they themselves are parents) and of the many times their dad was proud of them.

plaidcad said:

With all sympathy, I do ask if it's okay to post publicly. We are, after all, talking about children who could read this.

I'm not saying don't talk about suicide. What I'm saying is that MOL isn't private AT ALL, tho it may seem that way at times. Anyone can read this.

Everybody has different comfort levels with sharing aspects of their lives. IMHO - there is nothing on this board to shame or embarass the family. Only an outpouring of love, sorrow and support.

Things like suicide - or addiction, depression, abuse, etc (not implying those are part of THIS story) - are often not talked about with families or publicly. This results in increased shame and isolation. Only in talking openly about these struggles can we begin to decrease the stigma which in turn will only help people impacted heal.

I think it is brave, healthy and smart for JML to be open and as a result to allow the love and support to pour in.

It is natural for children to feel responsible for their parents problems. Not just suicide. Unfortunately, it is a pain that will be with them, probably for the rest of their lives. Fortunately, with love and support, and some counseling, they can still have happiness in their lives.

I would strongly recommend getting some counseling for your sister and especially the children to help them get through this, and maybe for you, too, Laura. Family support is wonderful and absolutely essential, but a professional could help in ways you can't imagine because you are so close to the situation.

Again, I'm so, so, so sorry for the heartbreak your family is enduring.

Very sorry for your loss, Laura. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Laura, so very sorry to hear of your family's loss. The person committing suicide never thinks of the aftermath that they leave. Please share with your sister that nothing she or their kids did caused this. You are all in my prayers to get through this most difficult time. Again, I am so sorry.

Laura, I too had a BIL who chose to commit suicide. Even at the time of him doing this atrocious act, we accepted it was all about him. My darling sister was not to blame. Neither were her son about to get married nor her daughter. It is not that i didn't love him, I did. I believe I was the last person to speak to him the week before he did this. I invited him to come down to Florida and live with me but with the caveat that he employ himself and start a new life. He chose not to do that.

I remember having night after night dreams of him trying to awake from his stupor. I am no longer having these dreams of my darling BIL Terry. I believe he has found some sort of peace on the other side of his death in this world. I think he recognized he was at fault.

Such a tragedy! I'm very very sorry

Laura, I am sure you are in the thick of helping your sister, but if there is anyway at all we can help, please reach out. I haven't been able to get your sister off my mind. I know she has a lot of friends and a great network where she lives, with her store and everything, but still, you never know.

Ugh! so sorry to read this. I hope you are all heal well and quickly. Nobody deserves this.

Laura,
I am so deeply sorry to hear about your loss and the tragedy your family is suffering through. The complicated and profound grief experienced by those who lose loved ones to suicide is like no other. There are no words, no actions, nothing that will take the pain away nor diminish the overwhelming feelings of guilt, loss, betrayal, shame, anger, devastation and more that most survivors inevitably feel. Each day is about simply surviving the anguish each of you are consumed by. I am so sorry. I know you have been through so much.
I have actually have a subspecialty in what is referred to in the world of Suicidology as Postvention, treating suicide survivors in my therapy practice. Unfortunately though, I work in the city and am less familiar with the resources available in NJ. If you are interested, PM me and I can certainly look into it and let me know where your sister and family lives and I can explore those areas as well. Ironically, I am leaving in less then two weeks to attend the American Association of Suicidology annual conference. I would be happy to be on the look out for resources that might be helpful to your family. When you are ready, you may want to take a look at AAS and the information and support they offer to family members.
Down the road, a support group can be invaluable. Many, however, will not accept members until they are 6 months out from the loss.
I can't imagine family members, especially those children, getting through this without counseling as many have suggested. I encourage you to make sure you/they find a therapist who specializes in working with suicide survivors or has more then fleeting experience with this issue. In the world of managed care, that may not be easy but will be worth it in the long run. Most people, and even otherwise decent therapists, often want to help the person feel better and have difficulty tolerating the enormous guilt and regret that is part of this grieving process which is like no other. Sometimes being told 'it's not your fault' while that is usually true, can end up feeling, for a spouse or child or any loved one, unintentionally dismissive or alienating. That is something that will take a lot of work and time for family members to come to within themselves. Meanwhile, they need a safe place that offers them the room, permission, even encouragement to talk about those hard feelings.
Your sister, who is clearly reeling from the magnitude of this loss along with the needs of her children, is likely going to be experiencing PTSD from having been the one to find her husband in this horrific way. Whenever she is ready, she needs to be able to talk to someone about this. The details can be gruesome but she may find herself living it over and over and not wanting to burden anyone with such images.
Love. Hugs. Help. Time. And lots of each for a long time. There is no way around it, only through it.
There are many wonderful books I can recommend. I have quite a few and you are more then welcome to borrow them at any time. A friend of mine, Carla Fine who lost her husband, wrote one in particular about about suicide loss that is often regarded as one of the most helpful. It's a book you might find very helpful to read now but may want to wait to give your sister who may be too raw still. But there are many.
Your sister is lucky to have you to help her through this. You have experienced a terrible loss and need to Laura, please make sure you also get the help you need and take care of yourself.
You probably don't know who I am through maplewood online posting but we know each other a bit through a mutual friend and from your wonderful restaurant which I occasionally take my two girls to. I am heartbroken to hear of your loss.
Please feel free to reach out anytime. Your sister/family as well.

p

This may be inappropriate but I just read elsewhere that Laura has passed away. I don't have any information. Please let this not be true.

It's on Laura's FB page. I have no words.

-s.

It's an error I would think. Please review the FB and you'll see that someone got confused about who passed away. Some friend of Laura's on FB that we don't know.

It can't be true. Such a good hearted soul with lots of sparkle. I won't believe it.

I hope you're right, @wendy, but old friends have posted pics of her saying RIP. Someone said she died while mourning her brother in law. I am not a prayer but I am praying this is not accurate information.

I saw it too. Is anyone friends with the person who made the first RIP post and can reach out to that person and confirm the intent of the post? Could it be a misunderstanding in that the RIP message truly refers to Adrian? Following posts look like they are based on the message in the first post rather than independant verification of the event. Has anyone reached out to Dan or to her children or best of all reached out to Laura herself?

The first person who made the post is an old LI friend.